


Paintings

by JumpingJeans



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Multiple Chapter Upload, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29604420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JumpingJeans/pseuds/JumpingJeans
Summary: After Marco’s death, Jean attempts to try to draw Marco to not forget him. However, he is saddened to find he can’t draw him exactly as he remembers him. Thankfully, Jean has a special person who can maybe help ease his heartache- maybe he can do the same for you.
Relationships: Jean Kirstein & Reader, Jean Kirstein/Reader, Marco Bott & Jean Kirstein, Marco Bott & Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	1. Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you recall your days and trials as a cadet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to this fiesta bowl of a fanfic! Just a heads up, there will be no smut until at least chapter 4. Angst WILL be there, though.

The 104th Cadet Corps. 

It seemed like it was an eternity ago that you were even in training. It seemed just like yesterday that you had your hopes set for the Military Police as you had never been inside Wall Sina. Having lived a poor life in Shiganshina, you grew tired of all the heartache and pain you had witnessed. Of course, you weren't going to have that luxury now. 

The top ten soldiers of the Cadet Corps were the only ones who would get to choose if they went for the Military Police. You had trained hard for what you wanted to accomplish; however, dreams often combat with reality. The reality of the matter being that you weren't highly skilled on ODM gear like Mikasa; you didn't have the hand-to-hand combat skills like Annie. You were not last in your class, by any means: having ranked fifteenth, you were actually quite skilled for having placed in the top twenty out of about 200 recruits for the southern camp. However, with someone like Mikasa Ackerman leading the top of the ranks for the 104th, it is understandable that you would look weak compared to someone like her in the midst. That being said, the other nine were special in their own right. Reiner Braun and Bertolt Hoover, both very skilled on ODM, had a passion and loyalty to each other. Annie Leonhart was also skilled when it came to forest training on ODM and, when she actually cared to kick Eren's and Reiner's asses, she was a skilled combatant. Of course, being her roommate, you definitely knew what she could be capable of. 

Eren Jaeger, of course, was a whole different story. Hotheaded and blunt, you knew him from your days in Shiganshina. You didn't know him well, but you knew enough to know to keep your mouth shut when you asked about his mom. Your own mother, before she was taken away from you on that day, knew Carla Jaeger since the pair worked together at a bar formerly. Your mother, being the clever little vixen she is, enchanted your father and they both fell in love. 

Still, the pain of losing them was greater than any wall being broken by a Titan. Eren knew this, so he didn't push you further about your decision. You both had a sort of understanding with each other, but you weren't exactly going to go out of your way to cling to him like Mikasa and Armin did. However, there was also another thing that you shared with him that bonded you together further: your hatred for Jean. 

That was another problem. Jean was a brag. Of course, to you, he felt more like a drag, but he was an endless flirt in your training days. He sought to fight with anyone who he saw as a threat, or anyone who goaded him, really. Eren was definitely one of those people. Yours and Jean's relationship wasn't rocky because of Eren, though- it was because of what he said to you the first day. 

After he got a hard-on to his head by Shadis, you were one of the ones who couldn't help but laugh a bit after you were in the mess hall. He had heard you, of course, and turned on you before you knew what was going on. 

"Who are you to be laughin' at me, huh?" He had pulled you up by your shirt collar, ignoring the fact that you still had bread in your hand. You dropped it, anger rising through you as it landed in the floor with a hard thud. 

"Hey, you jackass, you made me drop my bread!" You punched his chest, and he set you down, but not without shoving you back into the arms of Eren. You ignored the blaze of heat that swept quickly into your cheeks, being embarrassed at being treated by a horse-faced beast. So you told him this since your mouth was sadly the one thing you couldn't keep contained sometimes. 

"Of course I laughed at you! Who wouldn't after Shadis made that horse-shaped face of yours look better!" You could hear snickers of laughter around you, but you didn't dare look away from Jean. His eyes darkened into a look of malice. "Watch your mouth, Titan fodder. You should be even considered lucky that you made it past the first day." 

At the words Titan fodder, you balled up your fists in anger. Hot tears rose to your eyes helplessly as you whispered,"How would you know what a Titan looks like, huh, Trost boy? Don't you dare say those words to me again." You shoved away from him hard, ignoring the looks that were thrown your way as you went outside in the night air. Wiping your eyes, you didn't see a figure move beside you in the dark. 

“Shiganshina, huh? I'm guessing that's where you were from based on how you looked stone cold like Mikasa and Eren today." A deep voice, kind and soothing, came beside you. You looked into the eyes of a young boy with dark brown hair and prominent freckles dotted around his cheeks. He gazed at you shyly was he handed you a piece of bread. "Here, have my bread. I apologize about Jean; he can be a hard ass sometimes but he means well." You took the bread reluctantly, quick to offer him a piece of his own bread in return. 

"Thank you, but I won't be able to eat it all after that. You should take some of it back." He didn't argue with you, and you sat together outside the mess hall in silence for a bit. 

"I'm (Y/N), by the way. By now, you know I came from Shiganshina. What's your name?" 

“I'm Marco Bodt. Jinae District, Wall Rose." 

Marco and you had a good relationship with each other despite your disliking of Jean. Marco understood that, so he never chided you. The only time you could ever interact with Marco, however, was outside of him spending time with Jean, which was slim. So, during your training days, you spent them mostly with the other highly ranked cadets: Connie Springer, Sasha Blouse, and Krista Lenz. Of course, being around Krista also led to being around the brooding Ymir. 

You smiled as you remembered your days of training, wishing for a slim moment you still were in training so you didn't have to worry about what branch you were going to join. Military Police was out, so only the Garrison Regiment or The Scouts remained. You had anticipated on joining the Scouts either way, but the return of the Colossal Titan and the Armored Titan made you almost regret your choice. 

When Wall Rose fell, you weren't on the wall to see the Titan up close and feel its heat. With it being so massive, however, you quickly realized that you would have to fight the Titans now entering the wall. You heard a higher-ranking Garrison soldier shout to you as you were cleaning ODM gear at HQ. You looked at the man for a few seconds, shocked at what he was saying. "The Colossal and Armored Titan has breached Wall Rose! Report to your commanding officer to be placed on a squad!" 

You had to obey orders, so you did what you were told, although a bit reluctantly at first out of sheer terror. You remembered the Titan that took your loved one away from you; how were you going to kill them? You remembered Eren's words, though, and anger boiled inside of you. I've already got one up on my fellow comrades; I've seen a Titan. And I've trained for years for this exact moment. You weren't ranked fifteenth for nothing, right? 

The commanding officer you were near placed you under the 19th Cadet Squad under the leadership of Marco. You didn't mind this; Marco was a natural for bringing everyone together. However, he did tend to rely on his teammates for support. Seeing you were on his squad and had already seen Titans, he relied heavily on you from the get-go. 

“Alright, Squad 19, it is up to us to help the vanguard forces and stop the Titans from reaching the innermost wall. We can do it; it's what we trained for!" However, his words of encouragement could not stop your comrades from shaking in fear. You sighed, running a band through your (H/C) hair in stress. "Marco," you whispered, placing a hand on your close friend's shoulder,"Encouragement alone will not save them." He nodded, letting you take the lead as you told your comrades,"Look, we all know I'm not one to take shit lightly. And I am not to sugarcoat shit, either. I can't guarantee that we all won't make it out of here alive, but I'll be damned if I let another Titan kill more of my loved ones. A lot of you are from Trost; I know it's hard seeing this happen to your home. I've been there, too. But we can't let them get to any more. This is what I offer you: either we fight with every fiber of our being while still being afraid, or we sit here like ducks to be picked off. I'd rather go down fighting, how about you?" You look to see slight nods coming from the rest of your squad, and Marco pats you on the back approvingly. 

“Almost made me tear up, (L/N). Never heard you sound so sexy." You guffaw, smacking Marco on the shoulder. "In your dreams, Bodt." He laughs, regaining composure as he tells your squad instruction for taking down smaller Titans. 

It takes all your strength not to fall over in exhaustion. Out of the six people assigned to your squad, only two remained: you and Marco. You were both skilled on maneuvering gear in your own right, but having helped your squad kill 3 Titans and more coming through the wall, you and Marco were now out of gas. You were injured in your left foot; you had turned it badly on the last landing you had done. Not being an expert on landing definitely was coming back to kick your ass this time around. 

“(Y/N), let's sit down here. There are no Titans around." You nod, slumping over as Marco looks out for you as a guard. You had both heard the withdrawal signal a few minutes ago; you couldn't do anything about it, however. You take off your shoe to inspect the damage done to your foot as more and more soldiers come up near the rooftops you were residing by. You see similar expressions shared in each face as you realize that that was the same face you had made five years ago- the look of guilt at watching your loved ones die and not being able to do anything about it. You gasp as you feel a vibration to your right, and for a moment, you are afraid it is another Titan. 

For the first time in your life, you were happy to see Jean Kirstein. You were tired of seeing Titans around, so his face was a bit of relief. Not that you would admit it to yourself, but you were concerned he was one of the ones who hadn't made it. You told yourself that this kind of thinking was simply because you enjoyed seeing him being teased, and you suppressed your thinking that was itching that there may be more to it than just that. He eyed you, a smirk on his face as he said,"I figured you'd still be alive after all the shit talk you gave me." You laugh, your (e/c) hues glinting mischievously for a bit as you added,"Of course. Can't expect less of me, you know." He nods, his eyes glancing down at my injury. He tells me,"Hold on a second," before he moves to hug Marco. They exchange a few words that you can't hear before Jean and Marco bring their attention to you. 

“Y/N), this is the one time I'll touch you, so don't let it go to your head." Jean says softly, reaching down to touch your bruised foot. You grimace in pain, hissing a big as Jean takes off your sock to inspect the bruising and to see if your foot was broken. 

Adrenaline had kept you from feeling the pain for a long time, but now that you weren't in immediate danger, you were starting to feel the effects of the injury. You cursed softly as Jean turned your ankle from right to left and up and down. You thought for a second that his hands lingered on the soft skin before putting the sock back on you. 

“It isn't broken, just badly bruised. Based on the swelling, though, I would say you sprained it." You nod as Jean helps you put your shoe back on. For a moment, you had the audacity to blush as you thought how sweet Jean was being to you. You wouldn't admit that to him, of course. You had your pride. However, you did have enough maturity to realize the need to apologize after so long. 

You grabbed his cloak sleeve, grabbing it tightly as you pulled him closer to get his attention. For a long time, Jean stared at you with a blush on his cheeks. "Jean, look, I just wanted to apologize for laughing at you all those years ago. It wasn't my place, and-" you were interrupted as Jean shook his head, placing a hand behind his head in shame as he interjected,"No, no, you don't have to apologize. I was a jackass who shouldn't have said those words to you." You nodded, accepting his apology as he helped you to your feet. He added,"Don't expect that we are gonna go sing with the Church though just because I apologized though." You hum, ruffling his hair as you lean into him for support. Marco hums, a knowing look on his face as he stared at the two of you. Now wasn't the time for romance, however- they needed a plan to get to HQ to resupply gas. 

Jean grew angry at the fact that the soldiers who were supposed to be providing their comrades with gas had abandoned their posts. You had never seen him this angry apart from a few times where he was fighting with stubborn Eren. 

“Of course, Titans have swarmed the place, too, so we can't get inside. Tch." Connie then jumps up, yelling at Jean. 

“We can't run. We'll use whatever we've got left to run! We don't have enough mobility!" 

Jean says grimly,"You're using your head for once, Connie." Jean looks lost in thought for a few moments, and you fight the surprising urge to hold his hand to give him comfort. You have no idea where that came from, but you don't want it to stay. You have a mission to focus on. "I wonder," Jean says aloud, probably thinking to himself,"who among our rookie team has the capacity to lead?" 

You look over at him as he says,"What a dull life this turned out to be. And I never even got the chance to tell her how I feel about her." You takes an eyebrow at that. Who is he referring to? 

You don't ponder to think about it. You shift your attention over to Sasha, who is trying to coax the others to go with her but to no avail. She tries to urge Armin, who you just now realize is there. You forget what squad he had been assigned to for a moment...but then heartache settles in as you realize that his best friend who had been assigned to his squad was missing. 

“A-Armin?" Sasha says softly, trying to get his attention once more. She fails. You hear Marco, one who is usually optimistic and encouraging, say sadly,"It's as if we have to acknowledge the end of our lives. But what are we dying for?" Your heart aches with pain. Your refusal to give up fighting is what got you this far- who are you to stop now? Looking at your comrades, however, made you feel hopeless as well. Jean was right- who among you could lead? Certainly not you. 

That answer came a few minutes later with Mikasa showing up. She gets Annie's attention, ignoring the questions of why she wasn't with the rear, more elite guard. You see Jean tense up a bit as she nears him, and a blush falls on his cheeks. For some reason, disappointment clouds your emotions. Ah. So it was Mikasa. You should have known... 

You shake your head. You would worry about feelings later. "Did Eren's squad make it back?" Mikasa asks. Reiner points over to Armin, but by the time he says where Armin is Mikasa is already making her way over to him. A bush falls over the stranded rookies as you strain to hear Armin speak for the first time since he arrived back. 

"Armin? Where is Eren?" 

You fight back tears as you listen to Armin tell Mikasa that his whole squad have their lives in battle...including Eren. You had imagined he would be one of the ones to make it long enough to see advancement in the Survey Corps, but... 

You look to Jean who looks equally as shocked. Regret clouds his gaze as you see him glance at you only to avert his eyes once yours lock with his. 

“Marco." You jump back to reality to hear Mikasa address your friend and squad leader. "If we get through the Titans at headquarters, we can refuel our gear and everyone can get back over the wall. Correct?" Marco nods. "I guess so, but even with you messing the attack there's too many for you to handle." 

“can take them. I'm strong. Stronger than all of you combined." Your head jolts you at her confidence. Is she asking to die? "The only way to win is to fight. If I have to, I'll die trying. So be it. You all just sit back here and watch then." She shoots off, leaving you all in a daze.

Jean sighs, getting up himself. "What sucks is the way you try to motivate people. This is your fault, Eren!" Jean raises his sword, addressing the remainder of the soldiers there. "Hey! We weren't taught that our comrades fight alone! You all will really become cowards!" He runs off, taking Connie and other soldiers with him as they begin to move. Sasha laughs, saying,"Come on, you cowards! Weaklings! Idiots!" You smile at her words, getting up yourself. You and Marco glance at each other at the same time, but he addresses you first. "(Y/N), will you be able to go on your own? Do you need me to carry you?" You shake your head, not wanting to slow him down. Despite it hurting like hell, you knew you had to do it yourself. "No. I can do it." Before he has a chance to argue, you take off, following Jean and Mikasa. 

You watch at Mikasa uses up too much of her gas and she falls to the rooftops. Armin and Connie go after her, to which Jean objects. "I'll go too!" 

“No, they need your skills to lead!" 

You ignore the blinding pain in your leg and let your adrenaline take over once more. Your hook into a rooftop about 300 feet away, avoiding a Titan as quick as you're able. Marco comes up beside you, and you both fall into the same rhythm you did earlier. You both catch up to Jean and his group as you abruptly stop to see chaos unfurl around you. 

Two Titans in front of you, both looking to be around 15 meters are bent over clutching at your comrades who ran out of gas too early. You gasp, starting to go help them, but Marco holds you back. "It's too late!" To your horror, you hear the screams of your comrades again. You clutch your blades, desperately trying to drown out the sound of a female comrade being pulled apart. You open your eyes, begging Jean to take leadership. Sorrow floods your thoughts as he, too, seems to be struggling with what to do. Marco holds on to your waist as he urges you not to move, but you don't care. You tap your gas canisters and are shocked to find that you still have enough. Before you are even aware yourself, you move through the air, hooking in to the flesh of a 12 meter Titan before you go for the finishing kill. However, you over-anticipated how much gas you had left, for your canisters stop producing air as you fall to the ground, helpless to the Titans below. 

Jean snaps out of his thoughts, shouting your name as a Titan moves to grab you. No words or screams pass through your voice as you are picked up by the same 12 meter Titan that you had intended to kill earlier. Just before you are eaten, however, you realize your blade is clutched inside the hand that is grabbing you. With one hand, you press hard into the palm, and with the other, you stab the eyes of the Titan. It screams in pain as you finish slicing off the palm, falling to the ground once more. Before you hit the ground, you hear the regular hum of the maneuver gear and are surprised as a hand clutches around your waist, dropping you back safely onto the rooftop. You look up at your rescuer, surprised to see Annie, your roommate. You nod your head in acknowledgement, knowing she doesn't like over-exaggeration of thanks. She hums, moving back to where Reiner is as Marco joins my side. "Are you nuts? Do you have a death wish?" You mumble sarcastically,"Not until four," to which Marco rolls his eyes. You get up again, eyeing Jean as he inspects that you are okay to continue. "I'm fine, Mom, quit doting me," you say to him as you take off to headquarters. Jean is gobsmacked for a minute before he shouts,"Let's go! While they're distracted!" 

You make it to HQ, slamming into the glass windows as you fall into the nearest room. You aren't the best at landings, so of course you land on the ankle again and fall face-first into the floor. You get up before anyone has a chance to check on you, not wanting anyone to dote over you again. You knew you weren't at your top game, but you were strong enough to not be helpless like you were moments ago. 

Before long, all the soldiers who were with you are in the room and you inspect your surroundings. A few soldiers are barricaded by four desks pushed together, and anger rises up in you as you realize they are part of the Cadet Corps. No senior officers were around. Needing a way to clear out the supply room of Titans, you and your comrades began to look around for things to help you with. Once you are able to find rifles, a plan is devised to use the lift to distract the Titans while seven others use ODM to strike them down. Your heart prickles with worry as the names of the comrades who are going to are mentioned. Mikasa, Reiner, Bertolt, and Annie are no brainers since they are well suited on ODM, but Sasha and Connie being selected also was a bit of a surprise. Marco and you led the charge on the rifles to which it was a success. 

As you are resupplying, Jean walks over to where you and Marco are. Marco compliments him on his leadership skills, and for a moment, you see insecurity flash in Jean's eyes. You smile softly, grabbing Jean's arm softly and giving it a reassuring squeeze as you smile at him. "I thought you were a good leader out there, too." Jean glances down at you, his eyes shifting into an emotion you can't read. He stares into the pools of (e/c) color that are in the depths of your hues, and for a minute, you forget there is decaying Titans and people around you. Marco whistles, snapping you both back to attention. "Damn, is it hot in here or is it just whatever's going on between you two?" Marco smirks as both you and Jean say,"Shut it, Bodt!" 

Jean then looks down at you, wanting to assess your injury. You tell him you are fine, but he shakes his head. You, wanting to help further, try to hide your injury. However, not being able to put any weight on your foot is hard to hide. He frowns, waiting for you to respond as he finishes filling up his gas canisters. You blow your loose (h/c) strands out of your face as you plop onto the ground. "Alright, you heard the man. Check the foot." Marco rolls his eyes as he proceeds to check while Jean goes with Mikasa, Armin, Reiner, Annie, and Bertolt to check out the Abnormal Titan that was going berserk on his fellow ones. As Marco shares a tender moment with your tender foot, you hear shouts and cries as Eren's name is said throughout the area. "Eren?" You say softly to Marco, looking at him quizzically. He shrugs, unsure as well. You and Marco, not wanting to intrude further, went to rendezvous with the main unit to obtain orders. Upon inspection of your injuries, your commanding officer deemed you no longer had to fight and were given permission to go see the medical unit for them to assess your broken foot. However, with you not having what was considered fatal or internal injuries, were told to wait until they had enough reinforcements to treat all the wounded. You sigh, knowing you wouldn't be treated anytime soon and therefore wouldn't get to go back to help your friends. Luckily, you knew someone in the interior who happened to owe you a favor, but you would need a bit of help getting there. 

"So the commanding officer let you off for a bit to help me?" You asked, your arms wrapped around your comrade who said he could help you. He nodded, staring down at you as he said,"Well, since I'm from Trost, they gave me permission to go see if my mom was okay," he said as he looked away sadly. You swat his shoulder, exclaiming,"Jean! That's more important than me right now." He shakes his head, saying grimly,"Hey, now don't get your panties in knot. I heard word from a few guards I know in the Garrison that are based here that she's fine. I'll visit her once you're taken care of." You smile, blushing a bit as you pinch his cheeks. "Aw, who knew you were such a momma's boy, Jeanny." He pulls away from you, setting you down since you were almost to the inner gate. "You get heavy after awhile, (Y/N)." You take another opportunity to swat him again. "Oh, hush." He takes your hand, pulling it over to him as he wraps an arm around your waist to support you as you hop along like a bunny. You wondered to yourself how stupid you must look, but Jean didn't seem to mind being in your company this time. 

You take an opportunity to dare to ask him about the Abnormal Titan and why they had said Eren's name, but he said he wasn't permitted to speak about it. You hummed in response, a bit sad you couldn't be a part of the tea spilling but knew you eventually would find out later. You asked him when he had to be back to headquarters to receive more orders, and he replied,"Actually, I only have a few hours before I am to report back. I'd say by the time I get you into the interior it would be time to report back." You glance over at him, a but shocked he was choosing to spend time helping you rather than using the precious personal time given to go check on the condition of his mom. You push him away a bit, missing a bit of the warmth he gave you already. "Go to your mom then, Jean! I can get to the interior as long as I limp." He simply sighs at your stubborn behavior. "(Y/N), just let me do this for you. Then we won't owe each other anything." 

"What are you talking about, horse-boy? We don't owe each other anything." He shakes his head, taking your hand and simply saying,"You kept Marco alive. I'd dare say if you hadn't been there, he would be a lot more injured than he is. And based on how you are, I would say you took more hits for him than you'd like to admit." You shake your head, softly saying,"It's what we had to do to survive, Jean. He also argued with me to move on, but I couldn't sit there and let the Titans who killed my comrades live," you say softly as a hush falls between the two of you. No more is said until you reach the friend's house that you were looking for. "Here it is," you say softly, pulling a strand of your loose (h/c) hair behind your ear. Jean looks down at you, nodding a few times as he starts to head off. Before he leaves, however, you grab his hand, leaning up to kiss him on the corner of the mouth before you reply,"Now we're even." A blush falls on both of your cheeks as he stumbles off to report back to his commanding officers and as you hobble into your friend's apothecary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep on the lookout for updates! Comments, questions, or anything you wanna say is acceptable! I am a hoe for feedback :)


	2. Steam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you choose your military branch, kick ass in combat, and grow closer to the resident Horsey-boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to this latest installment, my sweets. Hopefully COVID isn't hitting too hard where you live and I wish you all happiness in these times. Stay hydrated (tho if you thirsty for lemons you may not be quenched oof) - quarantine got me feelings all KINDA things. Also JESUS whoever made shirtless Jean fan-art: bless you. My eyes have been blessed.  
> *(F/N)= Friend's name  
> *I also used they/them pronouns when I had to use he/she. I didn't want to be selective in case y'all had guy friends and girl friends, so in this case, just replace those pronouns with whatever when it comes to it.

You hated being injured. 

You remembered one evening when you had gotten injured after trying one of Jean's fancy maneuver tricks on the ODM gear, wanting to show off to get ahead and try to earn a higher ranking so you could get in the Military Police. It didn't bode well- the failure of the move made you lose your momentum and spiral into the large branch you were hooked onto. Of course, Shadis had eyes and ears everywhere, and before you knew it, he was chewing you out like a Titan chewing your mom. Weird analogy for humor, of course, but you had to cope somehow. Dark humor was a specialty in your department.

Once you had been helped down, the injuries you had obtained costed you a week out of training to recover as doctors wrapped your two broken ribs. Of course, since you were injured, you had a hell of a load of chores to do whole you were recovering. Nothing heavy, of course, but cleaning under Captain Levi's instructions since they had no where else to put you was very annoying to have to do. Levi had a cranky attitude and a weird obsession with cleanliness. Everything had to be perfect. You shuddered are the memory of having to clean multiple times that week for Levi in various areas; by Wall Sina, you were not going to do that again because of your foot. Hopefully, your friend would give you good results.

As you hobbled into the shop, you became aware of the various smells throughout it. Bits of lavender, chamomile, gingko, turmeric, and primrose wafted through the room, giving the shop a somewhat strange but pleasant smell. You assumed if there were a human version of catnip, this would be it. You sigh, not seeing the person you were hoping for. A middle-aged man (who had way too much facial hair, in your opinion) smiled at you through the fog of his glasses. He took them off, wiping them on his sleeve before he turned his attention away from the customer he was working with to you. You weren't afraid of this man; he had a gentleness to him that reminded you of your friend (F/N). You had never met the extended members of (F/N)'s family as you would always rendezvous at your place instead of (F/N)'s. You kindly asked if he could take you to your friend, to which he obliged. 

“Of course, miss. Right this way." He had the grace to give you a makeshift broom handle that was still in the process of being made. From behind the counter that was placed in the back of the small shop, a brown cedar door was placed on it. There was a sign that read: **Employees only-KEEP OUT LANKON**. You chuckle at the thought of who this Lankon could be, but the pain in your foot was jarring; it was as if lightning had prickled its way into your skin and set itself ablaze with its heat. You let out a little groan in pain which the shopkeeper noticed. "Here, (Y/N)," he says as he offers you a hand in support,"I'll help you take the weight off until you can see (F/N)." You raise an eyebrow, and he notices the question in your eyes as he adds,"(F/N) never stops talking about you. When your hometown fell, (F/N) was worried if you had made it out. When you joined the Cadet Corps, of course, (F/N) was relieved to hear about you being alive." You kept silent as you recalled being separated from your childhood friend that day in Shiganshina. You remembered the words of (F/N)'s mother urging you to find your friend as she was eaten alive by a Titan. The debt you had claimed your friend had owed you to Jean earlier was a lie- you were the one who was in (F/N)'s debt, for you had failed to save (F'N)'s mother. Guilt had been eating you alive for years, but when you found out about your friend's condition in the innermost wall, you were too ashamed to approach. Now, you absolutely had to.

You and the shopkeeper reach a small room lit that contained only two chairs and a desk. The shopkeeper helped you into one of said chairs as he told you your friend would be a few minutes as your arrival was unprecedented. You nod, thanking him kindly as he shut the door. A few minutes pass in silence; you feel for a minute as if (F/N) wouldn't come. However, the sound of footsteps approaching drowns out your doubts. 

  
In the doorway stands your longtime friend, (F/N). Their eyes were hardened by the darkness they had seen the last few years, but warmth still shone in their eyes when they glanced at you. Guilt lingered in your mind, but the joy of seeing your friend after so long left the feeling subsided. They embraced you fondly, and your eyes filled with tears. (F/N) smiled at you and said as you pulled apart,"It's so good to see you doing so well. Apart from your injury, I mean. We can catch up later, but let me take a look at your injury to see how bad it is." You nod, retelling the difficulty you had finding someone to be able to take you in in the first place. "Don't worry about me turning you away; I never would." Your friend replies smoothly.

When (F/N) tells you to undress, you oblige, a shade of red rising to your cheeks as no one has seen you undressed before. Of course, there was your bunk mates, but since you were always in a rush for training, it didn't really matter sometimes. You brush aside your shyness, though, since you know you're in good hands. “Your foot is definitely sprained and severely bruised, but it's not broken. I believe, though, that if you were to participate in another battle, that it would be a possibility." Your friend says in a clear tone. You nod, trying to take the news in while they check the rest of your body for any injuries. You had not noticed earlier, but apparently your ribs were bruised as well as some places on your stomach and chest. You hadn't realized how much your body had been through until you were forced to look. "I'm going to give you some bandages for your ribs, then I will supply you with extra bandage to wrap your foot in. And here," they say as they place an ointment in your hand,"this is for your foot. Rub it in every night and it should help with the swelling if you drink green tea and turmeric." You sigh, knowing there was no way you would remember this later. 

“Do you mind if you write that down for me? My memory's a little foggy right now." They nod, writing down specific instructions while you were inspecting the nice linen bandages. Once they were finished, they helped you wrap your foot and ribs and easing you into your clothes once more. "And I know this may not help," (F/N) added as they glanced over at you,"but I also supplied you with lavender oil to help you get some sleep while you recover." They add in a lower voice that sounds sympathetic,"There's no telling what you saw and had to endure today, (Y/N), so I know you'll need help with the nightmares." You nod, bile rising in your throat at the memory of your comrades being murdered. You had seen enough death for a lifetime. 

“It's okay, (F/N). I will endure it, just like we did when Shiganshina was hit." You scratched the back of your neck, not sure how to continue your words to reveal the truth about (F/N)'s mother. "Listen, (F/N), I just want to say...I'm sorry about your mother. On that day...I saw her." You admitted softly, averting your eyes from (F/N)'s gaze. "I didn't seek you out before I joined the cadets, and I'm sorry. But I was afraid to face you." Tears were now falling down your cheeks, and you swore you could hear your friend choke back a sob. "I know you probably haven't seen her and didn't get to see if she was dead since they couldn't go back to Shiganshina due to Titans, but I-" you cut yourself off as you choke back tears. "I shouldn't have listened to her. We shouldn't have separated. She told me to go find you, and I failed. By the time I went back to your house, I heard her." You admitted weakly, clenching your fists and curling your fingers around your chest. "I'm so sorry, (F/N), it was all my fault. I was too weak." You paused a minute to finally dare a glance at (F/N), but you weren't expecting the effect of the slap that (F/N) gave you. It wasn't hard, but you definitely were jolted. 

(F/N)'s eyes were full of tears and betrayal, but still held the same warmth that you saw when you first came. "Five years..." (F/N) whispered as she clenched her fists. "It's been five years that I've been searching, and you knew the whole time. Why couldn't you find me earlier?" You shook your head, too guilt-ridden to speak. Your friend released a long sigh, covering their eyes over one hand. After a few seconds, (F/N) removed their hands away from their face, and you no longer saw any warmth. Just sadness. "I understand you probably didn't know where I was until recently, (Y/N), but I can't help but feel that had you had made more effort to find me, I could've known sooner."

“I knew where you were, actually. It wasn't hard to hear how a refugee from Shiganshina had made it into the inner wall without joining the military." You told your friend the truth, not wanting to hide anything else from them. "I knew at the end of last year, but couldn't work up the courage to find you until I absolutely had no where else to go. I realize my mistakes, (F/N), and I should've told you before you treated me. I am a coward, just like I was back then." You feel a sharp smack upside your head and you cry out, placing your hand at the place (F/N) had smacked. "Ouch!"

“You weren't a coward back then. And I don't blame you for her death." (F/N) said softly, a frown spreading across their face. "I do blame you for being a coward and not coming to find me until you needed me. That will take some time to forgive you for." Your friend paused, reaching out to embrace you as tightly as you could bear. "Despite my hurt, though, I'm very relieved you're alive, idiot." You smiled, knowing that despite the forgiveness you hadn't received yet and probably won't for a long time, you and (F/N)'s friendship was strong enough to work through it. 

  
By the time you made it back to the infirmary, it was well past sunrise. Your friend did not want you traveling in your condition until you had some rest; (F/N) had let you use their quarters and their clothes while they washed your blood-soaked uniform. By the time you awoke, the sun had already tipped over the horizon and was crawling to its peak. The shopkeeper you had met before your friend's arrival was apparently their older brother named Katsu. Katsu was gracious to you; he accompanied you and assisted you when your crutch they had provided you with failed you. He had your uniform folded in his hands, also carrying your cloak that was, at this point, torn and ragged-looking despite being washed. By the time you had arrived to the infirmary, the nurse who had turned you away earlier was long gone. In her place were several dozen nurses, their uniforms pressed neatly against their frames. You thanked Katsu for the help and bid him farewell; you wished you could return to your quarters, but you knew a nurse needed to assess you in order to be able to write whether you were able to participate in the cleaning up of the bodies. You needed to be there, you knew, to tell commanding officers who from your squad was dead, but you wanted to do more than that. You presumed your comrades' bodies would be burned to avoid disease, but you wanted to at least have something of theirs for their family to remember them by. However, you weren't sure if the rumors you heard as you went through town were true. Katsu claimed it was ridiculous, but you couldn't be sure of anything anymore. 

  
There were rumors of a human turning into a Titan and helping destroy mindless Titans; you also heard that this same Titan shifter helped reclaim Trost. You couldn't be sure, though. Since you were still within Wall Sina at the infirmary, all you could do was wait for any commanding officers to bring the news. No progress was made yet, however. 

A nurse takes your name, military status, and squad number you were in before she begins to assess your wounds. She raised an eyebrow as there were already bandages, to which you kindly explained that since you were turned away earlier, you and a comrade had went to your friend who was a healer. "Oh?" The nurse questioned, her eyes showing a bit of curiosity. "Your friend is quite skilled, then. Makes me wonder why they don't put their skills to use as a doctor within the walls." You knew your friend was content with where they were, so you quickly interjected,"They came from Shiganshina. They would most likely want to avoid seeing death for as much as possible. They only tend to know how to treat minor wounds, anyway." The nurse said nothing further, continuing to inspect your injuries. 

“What was the injury this friend of yours deemed you had, Cadet (L/N)?" You looked into the eyes of the nurse and replied the words (F/N) had told you earlier. The nurse nodded, a slight smile on her lips as she said,"Your friend was correct. However, based on your injuries, it will take one to two months for your body to heal. Meaning you will have to avoid combat until then." You gasped. Two months? How would any regiment let you in now if you were useless in combat? 

"Please, just tell me if I will be able to help my comrades with the recovering of bodies." You said softly, averting your eyes from the nurse. She laid a hand on your shoulder, urging you gently to not overdo yourself. 

“Whatever regiment you choose will be glad to have a cadet so determined. You will be able to assist with the recovery mission, and you will also be able to perform basic tasks so long as you don't lift anything extremely heavy. You will also need plenty of rest in the first few weeks. I will write up a quick report for you to give to your commanding officer, then you will be free to go." You nodded, your heart fluttering a bit. Being absent from combat sucked, but at least you knew you didn't have to be completely useless until you were healed.

  
The nurse also gave you a weird boot device that you had never seen to wear, along with some new bandages to wrap around your ribs. “The boot supports you when you walk, but the intention behind the invention is not to put any weight on it. It just makes it a little easier to maneuver your leg around along with the crutch. You can only take it off when you shower, too, but you must be careful." You nodded, taking the report and the written instruction from the nurse's band as you hobbled along to report back to headquarters within Wall Rose.

It takes some time to get back. By the time you make it, you are exhausted and sweating from the effort it took to get there. Of course, you had some assistance from some somewhat friendly Garrison soldiers, who, in your opinion, were a little drunk. Then again, if a mission was successful, you presumed you would be, too. It was well into the afternoon by the time you made it back, and your comrades were nowhere to be seen. You guessed they were beginning the cleanup of Trost district. You asked nearby soldiers where you could find any commanding officers for the Cadet Corps, but you were pointed in the direction of two Survey Corps members.

You did not recognize who they were, but the tall blond looked deep in thought. There was a smaller man to his right, and you noticed that even when you were leaning on your crutch, the man was still a little bit shorter than you. _Small genes, big package,_ you thought, almost hitting yourself at thinking of a commanding officer that way.

The two men noticed you approaching, and the small, raven-haired man said,"Infirmary is the other way, brat." You hummed, saluting as best as you could before the blond-headed man said,"At ease, cadet. What is your name and status?" You were taken back a bit by this question as you were unsure what he meant by status for a moment. The raven-haired man scowled, obviously annoyed that you were taking your time answering a question. "Was one of your injuries a severe concussion, idiot?"

You were a bit snarky when you replied, but you weren't in the mood to be harassed by this guy. "They didn't give it in my report, sir, but I wouldn't be surprised." The short man-child said nothing further, just giving a light ‘tch’ in response. 

You turned to the taller man who towered over you. You felt small in his presence. Not that the jackass to your right was any less intimidating with his stare, though. "Forgive me, sir, it took me a bit to understand what you meant by my status. Do you mean my ranking or which class I come from?" The taller man replied calmly, his blue eyes not showing offense to your questioning a commanding officer. "You're forgiven. I meant both. Forgive me for not making it clear." You nodded, responding quickly so the other officer wouldn't berate you again. "My name is Cadet (Y/N) (L/N). I was ranked fifteenth of the 104th Cadet Corps. Southern Division." He nodded, introducing himself as Commander Erwin Smith and the other man as Captain Levi Ackerman. You could've sworn you shit your pants right then and there. How did you not recognize them? You blamed it on your lack of sleep.

The commander reached down to take the nurse's papers away from you, but you handed them over willingly once you realized that he was reaching for them. His eyes skimmed over the report while Levi looked at you like a piece of cannon fodder. You avoided his gaze at all costs, instead choosing to focus on the interesting blade of grass down beside his foot. Once Erwin was done, he cleared his throat, getting your attention. "Since your training officers are already past the gate recovering for the dead, I will take responsibility of your orders. At the gate innermost gate of Trost, there are already several cadets being prepped for cleaning up the district. Go there to help identify bodies, but you are instructed to not lift any bodies or burn them. You are only to identify." You nodded, thanking the officers again as you saluted to best of your ability. Commander Smith handed you your papers back, and you began to move down the path to where Trost's inner gate was.

Before you were out of their distance, however, the commander shouted your name. You turned slightly, curious as to what he wanted. His eyes were ablaze with passion as he asked,"If you were willing to give your heart to figure out the truth, would you?" You hummed, nodding your head as you said,"If the truth can be found with the Survey Corps' help, then yes." With that, you turned back to the road, not seeing his reaction. 

You pushed yourself too far this time. Even though you were just identifying bodies, walking through the district of Trost for over twelve hours was too much for you to handle. You watched as the bodies on the pyre burned, too exhausted to feel any pity or grief. Your emotions could only handle so much, and hearing about the death of Marco was too much for you to bear. The tipping point of your emotions, however, was witnessing Jean's reaction. You knew Jean and Marco were close, and you couldn't help but feel pity for Jean at losing his best friend. Sure, Jean was an ass most of the time, but you would never wish death to his loved ones. You think of Marco's determination that kept you alive just yesterday. You had each other's backs; in his final moments, though, you didn't have his. You hated being useless. 

You returned to the barracks that night, too tired to function yet too grief-stricken to sleep. You dared not look at all the empty beds of your comrades. Your heart could only handle so much pain. Feeling very dirty from the day's events, you decided to take a shower. You figured since it was so late no one would be in there, and it could give you time to truly grieve. You didn't bother to bring your crutch; your arm was too sore to use it at this point. You half waddled, half-skipped to the girls' showers. 

Your bruising was much worse than yesterday, but you didn't care. You couldn't stop the sobs as they came, and you couldn't stop the pain you felt in your ribs as your took in deep breaths. You cried out loudly, not caring who heard your heartbreak. You only cared that one of your closest friends was dead, and you couldn't do a thing about it. 

You weren't aware of the door opening to the showers. You weren't aware of the frantic, heavy footsteps that made their way over to you. You weren't even aware of the water being turned off from the shower head above you. You did become aware, however, when an object was wrapped around you and you were pulled close. You breathed in the scent of sweat and ash, and your nose recoiled. "I'm tired of smelling death." You mumbled softly, trying to push away from the intruder. "Please, let me go!" You sobbed violently, harshly punching at the invader. You heard a low voice curse aloud and you felt strong hands grab your own, forcing them to your sides. "Damn it, (Y/N), stop it, it stings!" You stopped, your eyes widening as you recognized the voice of the boy who helped you earlier. _Damn it, why is he here right now? And oh God...did he walk in on me and see me naked?!_

"Jean," you say in a low voice. "What are you doing?" You were thankful that only the moonlight was the only light source in the room so Jean couldn't see your flushed face. "Jean, what are you doing here? You aren't allowed in here, and-" you were interrupted by Jean's hands wrapping around your waist, pulling you into his arms as he clung onto you tightly. You clutched the towel tightly around you, not wanting him to see anything. He didn't seem to care that you were naked, however, nor did he pay attention. He just sobbed into your shoulder, and it was all you could do not to break down in front of him again. You wrapped an arm around him, holding him close as you knew he needed comfort. You two weren't the best of friends, but you had something in common now: your hearts were ripped to pieces. You tried to ignore the pain in your ribs, but you could only hold in a hiss and groan of pain for so long. "Jean," you said softly but in quick gasps,"you're hurting me." Jean stops, pulling away from you as he looks down at you. "I'm sorry," he whispers, tears still flowing down his cheeks. His eyes are swollen and puffy, like he's been crying for hours. 

He hesitates for a moment as he glances down at the state that you are in, and the moonlight is bright enough for him to see your glistening wet skin wrapped in a towel. He blushes, now realizing what exactly he interrupted. "I'm sorry," he apologizes profusely. "I heard you weeping very loudly and I couldn't just do nothing. And I wanted to see..." he blushes a deeper shade of red,"I mean, um, I didn't want to see you naked, I meant, um, that, I wanted to see if you were okay." You laugh humorlessly, saying flatly,"Why the hell would you ask me that? You barged in here to ask me if I'm fucking okay?" You hiss icily, shoving him off. "Of course I'm not okay, what the hell are you thinking? My comrades died just like in Shiganshina, and I also learned my best friend died. How do you think I am, Jean?" Your voice breaks as you say his name, unable to contain your emotions. "I feel like my chest is being crushed. I feel so heavy," you confess as Jean's golden eyes bore into yours. He doesn't say anything as he moves closer to you once again. He places his hands on your bare shoulders, sliding them up to cup your cheeks. You've never seen him this vulnerable. He says softly,"I feel the same way. I feel like a Titan has stepped on my fucking head." He looks down at you intensely, your cheeks heating up. "I know we aren't exactly the best of friends like us and Marco were, but he isn't here to help us both anymore." He wipes his tears away with the back of his hand, then goes to wipe yours with his thumb. "This will probably be the only time I'd be willing to do this for you," he chuckles a bit as he says,"but I know you can barely stand right now. You're exhausted, just like I am. I can't be a Marco for you, but we can try our damn best to remember him and comfort each other. Okay?" You nod, looking up into his eyes. "I agree, but, um," you interject as you blush deeply,"I've never let anyone see me naked, Jean. Please tell me you didn't see anything." He bites his lip, a blush falling onto his face. "I'm sorry, I did see a bit, but not a lot. I only saw a bit of the bruising on your back before I turned the water off." You sigh, a bit annoyed at him coming in on you but also a bit relieved that you didn't have to grieve alone. "C'mon," he says softly as he picks you up, placing you back onto your feet,"finish your shower and I'll go take one too. I'll meet you after you're done by the lake side, yeah?" You start to nod, but sharp pains in your ribs and foot distract you. Jean is by your side at once, asking you if you're alright. You nod, just telling him you overdid it. 

  
"You idiot," he says lowly, his voice not mocking or condescending. It seems almost as if it has a bit of affection to it. You look up at him, taking in how much taller he was than you right now with you hunched over. He runs a band through his hair, asking you softly,"What...what if I helped you? Just this once, and we will never speak of this again." He says lowly, a huskiness to his voice. You swallow nervously, wrapping the towel around you tighter. "I...I don't think so, Jean. I've never let a guy see me naked." You admitted softly, averting your eyes. "And I would only feel comfortable doing that type of thing with a guy I am dating." You confess softly. Jean's eyes widen, his lips coming down to your ears to whisper,"You can barely stand, (Y/N)." You sigh, knowing he wouldn't give up so easily. 

“How about this?" You say softly, leaning on your good foot to take the weight off the other. "You can shower in the stall next to me since no other girl is here. No one will find out since it's so late, and if I fall, then you can help me. Deal?" Jean hesitates for a moment, his eyes lost in thought. "Fine," he agrees, reaching to remove his stained uniform. He goes to the shower entrance, locking the door behind him so no one can get in. He starts to unbutton his shirt, and you turn away shyly. You didn't realize he was going to undress in front of you. "I-Um, Jean, please, can you undress inside the shower stalls?" He nods, muttering an apology to you as he gets in to the stall next to you. Unfortunately, the shower cubicles for the girls had no doors; only four foot tall little walls separated each shower from another. You realized that Jean would most likely see the top of your chest, and you for him. 

You still held the towel around your frame, mouth opening a bit as you saw Jean's muscular frame. You only could see down to the V shape of his hips, but still. Damn. Jean's cheeky attitude returned as he glanced over at you. "Aw, looks who's gawking." You roll your eyes before you shyly ask him to turn away from you while you showered so you wouldn't see each other. He respected your wishes, and you took off your towel, the cold air making you shiver. You turned on the shower, the hot water easing your aching muscles. You couldn't help but sneak a peek back over to Jean once more with his back turned to you. You bit your lip, rubbing your thighs together instinctively. You stopped once you realized what you were doing, and you resumed on washing your hair. 

You couldn't hold yourself out for long, however. Balancing on one foot was a struggle to do, especially when the floor was soaking wet. You tried hopping to lean on the side of the separator, but you couldn't keep yourself supported enough. Before you knew it, you hit the ground, crying out upon impact. Jean quickly looked over at you, more worry in his gaze than humor that you fell. He went to pick you up, placing his hands under your arms as he lifted you. You winced a bit, your tailbone and your pride wounded. 

"Do you want my help now?" Jean said softly, his taut muscles pressing into your back. One of his hands was placed around your stomach, the other in your shoulder. You blushed deeply, embarrassed that you had to rely on someone you barely considered a friend to assist you while you were both naked. "Jean, please don't make fun of me for this in front of the others. If anyone ever found out, I wouldn't be able to show my face." You whispered, looking down at your feet. You felt Jean lean down, saying softly,"I may be a jackass sometimes, but this is something I wouldn't joke over. Now, the quicker I help, the quicker we are done, and then we won't speak of it again. Okay?" You nod, Jean setting you down on the floor as he went to pick up the washcloth you were using earlier. He handed it to you, picking you back up once more as he supported your weight. You washed yourself as quick as you could, your cheeks growing redder by the second. You could feel Jean's eyes on your back, watching your movements. Your hands dipped below your waist, and you felt Jean take a sharp breath behind you. You huffed, growing hot despite being cold earlier. You hurriedly rinsed off, telling him you were done. "You missed a spot," he said softly, his hand grabbing the washcloth from your hands. He moved the soapy cloth along your back and shoulders, being very careful not to touch your injuries harshly. He helped you rinse off, but you bit your lip, wanting a big more. "Hey, Jean?" You say softly, turning your head to face him. You looked into his eyes, which you noticed had darkened a bit with an emotion you couldn't read. You took his hand, pulling it down to touch your injured leg. "Can you help me wash my injured leg? I haven't been able to bend down to get it due to my ribs." He nods, swallowing thickly as he sets you down. He is now very aware of your front assets, trying his best not to glance at them but rather your leg. He lathers the rag with soap, moving down to the injured foot. You hiss a bit despite him being gentle, and he moves the cloth higher. He works his way around your calves, lifting your leg to access the underside of your thigh. His hand travels dangerously close to your center, and you look into Jean's eyes as he works his way to the front of your thigh. His breathing is heavy and ragged, and you can tell this is probably embarrassing for him. He helps you up again, your back once again pressed to him. This time, however, you feel something hard and hot press against your lower back. 

"Fuck," you hear Jean groan as he says,"(Y/N), I'm so sorry. I couldn't help but to-" you interrupt him by shushing him. "It's okay," you say softly, your never-ending blush increasing,"you couldn't help it. Thank you for helping me." He nods, helping you over to a bench so you could dry off. You knew that his erection was probably painful, but what could you do? You couldn't leave, but you weren't willing to have sex with him, either. You had other things to worry about. 

"I'll get dressed and head back to the barracks so you can take care of your, um, problem." Upon the emphasis of the word, you couldn't help but to look down at his problem. And, oh boy, was it a big problem, indeed. You quickly got dressed, not saying anything more to him as you hobbled out, not hearing the moans of pleasure echoing the walls of the girls' showers as he came to the image of you for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will probably slow this down and go back and make the chapters less rushed. I do want to make this a sort of kinda slow burn, but I only see like 5-6 chapters tops, so maybe not so slow burn? 
> 
> Take care, my sweets. May your week be well. 💗


	3. War’s Dawning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Jean begin to realize your connection to each other the more battles you face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Welcome again to this toaster fire of a fanfic. School and naps have been calling my name, so I apologize for this not getting out sooner.

The Survey Corps.

After the battle of Trost, you dedicated your heart to them. It wasn't like you had an option- the Garrison was your only other choice. Still, you were surprised to hear that there was news of humans capable of turning into Titans. Given the Abnormal Titan you had heard of that was aiding Mikasa, Armin, and Connie while they were surrounded, you found it a little less hard to believe. What was even more shocking to you, however, was the news that Eren Jaeger was that such Titan.

On the night of your graduation ceremony, Commander Erwin Smith revealed this to you, as well as one more surprise: the secret to mankind's existence outside the walls lay in Eren's basement back in Shiganshina. The key, Erwin said, would be to take back Shiganshina.

You decided in your heart at that moment that you would be willing to risk your life to take back what was yours. You already had with Marco, didn't you? He already willingly gave his life; you could give yours back in return, if need be. 

After Erwin's speech of many comrades would be lost in battle within the next five years, you weren't surprised that so many of your comrades didn't want to be placed with them. However, what shocked you the most was who was left behind beside you. All of your friends, including most of the top ten, sought to join the Survey Corps. Your eyes brimmed with tears when you spotted Jean. You had expected him to join the Military Police given he had always told Eren he was a suicidal bastard for wanting to join the Survey Corps in the first place. You chuckled a bit lowly to yourself, saying,"I'll be damned." You hadn't spoken to Jean since the events in the girls' shower room together; while that was only about a day ago, you still flushed with heat and embarrassment at the thought.

Of course, you had to have help from Sasha while you were showering before the ceremony earlier since you were so injured, but she didn't seem to mind so long as you promised some of your potato soup to her at dinner following the ceremony. You didn't mind, of course; you probably wouldn't be able to finish your meal out of nerves anyway.

You saw your now closest friends, Connie, Jean, and Sasha, all look terrified and some even close to tears. Others, like Mikasa and Reiner, stood stone-faced. They had already seen Hell's fury; they could withstand anything at this point. The hairs on the back of your neck stood up as you felt someone's gaze on you. You turned, locking eyes with Jean. Both of your cheeks flushed, and you quickly looked away. Before you had time to react, though, Jean quickly grabbed your shoulders.

"What are you doing here?" He practically spat. "You'll get yourself killed! You should've joined the Garrison Squad." Your eyes blazed with fury, jerking your shoulder so his hands were no longer on you. The touch that you so welcomed last night was no longer warranted. How dare he say you'll get yourself killed? 

You grab his hand, gripping it tightly. He looks down at you in surprise, his eyes shining in what looks close to pain. "You know better, Kirstein. I didn't die at Trost, did I? I can handle myself. I don't need your protection."

You start to hobble away from him with what little pride you have left, but you hear him mutter,"You only survived because you had Marco's protection."

You whirl around, grabbing Jean's shirt and pulling him down so his eyes are right on level with yours. Your eyes stare into his and they grow darker from anger. You can't help but let tears flow as you tell him lowly,"Just because I'm not Mikasa doesn't mean I'm not strong. I know your admiration for her is very strong, but don't let that fool you into thinking no other girl here is capable."

You say the last few words in a hushed whisper,"Marco and I protected each other. I did what I could to help him."

Your anger fades as you let go of his now wrinkled shirt. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect him." You say nothing more, walking away to go congratulate Mikasa and Armin. Despite the connection you felt last night, you don't look back as his eyes remain on you.   
  


**€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~**

  
You ate dinner that night with the rest of your comrades for one final time before everyone went their own separate ways. You were near the same table as Jean; you had chose to sit with Annie, Reiner, and Bertolt since you wouldn't get to see your former roommate anymore after. You cut up at Reiner's somewhat flirtatious jokes, ignoring the stare of Jean. You knew you were playing with fire, but so what? Even if Jean had promised to help you cope with the death of Marco, you wanted time to yourself to grieve.

You made a mental note to do that tonight before you left for the Survey Corps in the morning. You continued to feel Jean's eyes boring into you all throughout your meal. Suddenly, an idea popped into your head. You grabbed the bowl of ice cream to your right, taking a big scoop to put into your mouth. Before you did, though, you locked eyes with Jean, being sure to stick your tongue out as you licked the spoon.

He blushed deeply, and he finally looked away from you. You then back around, a satisfied smirk on your face as you finish your ice cream.

  
Sitting by the lakeside with the moonlight bright enough for you to draw, you complete the first drawing of Marco. You hadn't had a chance to draw in a long time, and you certainly didn't have the talent or the money to be able to paint a portrait yet. You hoped to be able to obtain that in the future, but for now, charcoal lines were the only thing you could use right now. Your foot was propped up on an extra pillow you had brought from the girls' dorms, not caring that it would end up dirty. The moon was below its peak, and you knew it would be morning within the next few hours. You yawned, stretching as much as you could despite the rib injury. You had forgotten to change the bindings; no matter. You could do it when Sasha helped you shower in a few hours. 

A rustle in the trees startled you from your thoughts, and you turned your head, trying to spot whoever was spying on you.

"Who's there?" You shouted, starting to scramble to raise up. If it was someone unwelcome, you didn't want to be on the ground.

A tall figure emerged from the tree line, and it let out a shushing sound as you kept shouting. A familiar linen shirt came into your view and you sighed, your body relaxing realizing it wasn't someone there to attack you. Jean stared down at you, his hands shoved into his pockets.

He cleared his throat, his lips moving to say,"I thought you'd be out here. Um..do you mind if I sit down?" You nodded, making sure to close your sketch pad. He sat down beside you, waiting for you to plop down beside him as it took you a minute to be able to. An uncomfortable silence sat between the two of you as you were unsure of what he had to say. Was he going to talk about when you grabbed him earlier or when you made a "move" on him? You knew you were just joking, and his reaction was pretty hilarious to see, too. You weren't sure of what he felt, though. 

Your (E/C)-colored orbs stared into his, waiting for him to speak. He placed a hand behind his head, scratching nervously. "Listen, (Y/N)...I just wanted to apologize to you. I know you're strong. Your strength and passion is admirable, and so is your leadership. Marco told me about it before he..." Jean looks away, choking back a sob before he continued. 

“At times, though, you're so stubborn like that bastard that it makes me want to hit my head. We are both stubborn and hard-headed, so I guess that's why we argue like we do sometimes."

You move your mouth to interject, but he raises a hand to cut you off. "But," he adds, his eyes sparkling in the moonlight as he stares back at you,"I appreciate you for who you are. I'm sorry if I don't show that enough. I just don't want to see you get hurt, or worse. I know you can handle yourself, but I don't want to lose you like we lost him."

Tears well in your eyes at Jean's confession. He isn't normally a sappy person, so you don't make fun of his seriousness for once. You hum softly, averting your gaze to look down at his shirt collar. 

“You're forgiven," you whisper, and he moves towards you, a blush on his cheeks as looks down at your lips. You meet each other's gaze once more, and his eyes are half-lidded as he stares down at you. Your heart flutters a bit and you hesitate, trying to quickly decide if you want to cross this line. You are too slow to decide, however, and his lips are on yours, cautious and unsure. Your body moves for you, wrapping a hand around to his back and pushing him forward to deepen the kiss. He groans softly, surprised at your reaction. You explore one another cautiously, both unsure of the territories you are exploring. His hands finally move, choosing to settle on your hips. You break apart after a bit, panting softly as you stare up into his eyes. 

  
You grab him again, pulling him to you with urgency. He chuckles lowly, his eyes growing dark with lust. He pats his lap, wanting you closer to him. You comply a bit slowly, and he helps you so your foot isn't hitting anything. He tries to kiss you again, but you back up a bit, whispering softly in his ear,"What about Mikasa?" His eyes widen for just a bit before he goes to kiss your neck. His hands slide up until they are below your rib cage, and he hums softly as he says,"Forget about her."

He places tender kisses on your jawline, and you inhale sharply, ignoring the bit of pain that your ribs gave you. You move your hips a bit, trying to ease the tension starting to build up between your legs. You feel Jean's hard member touching your inner thigh, and you roll your hips against him.

He moans out your name in response, kissing your neck harder as he moves his hands underneath your shirt. The sound of something crashing in the woods stops your motions, however, and you look back in fear thinking that, somehow, a Titan was near. 

Jean stops as well, saying to you comfortingly,"There are no Titans here. You're safe." You nod, but the moment between you two was ruined.

He helps you stand, picking up your sketchbook for you. To your relief, he doesn't ask what it is. He helps you back to the dorms, your hand wrapped around his shoulder, just as the moon starts to slip under the horizon.

  
**€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~**

The peace you had with Jean that night did not last. After the battle of Trost, the Survey Corps worked for months preparing for the upcoming expedition. You were cleared to go as your injuries healed, though you didn't practice horseback as much as you liked.

You worked with Squad Leader Hange Zoë, a Titan scientist who had a hint of crazy, it seemed. You were her assistant with whatever she needed during that time, so while your comrades were practicing on horseback, you were with her and Eren doing experiments on his Titan ability.

It was interesting to watch him transform, but you felt a bit sorry for him as he had to experience pain every time he was pulled from the nape of his Titan's neck. You made notes on your observations as your squad leader instructed, careful not to crumble under the heated glare of Captain Levi. He was a clean freak, but he was quick to temper. Very intimidating, also. You were glad to be able to spend time with Eren and the Levi Squad, though. Days turned into weeks as you prepared for the expedition beyond the wall.

  
As time passed, your grief for Marco and your other lost comrades in Trost remained. Confusion also clouded your thoughts about your growing feelings for a certain stubborn boy, but you chose to suppress them since you both had a big mission to worry about.

The night before the expedition, you were prepping your ODM gear with Connie and Sasha while Reiner and Bertolt were nearby. You checked to make sure the gas canisters were full, and cleaned your gear again just to make sure there was nothing wrong with it again. You wanted to make sure your gear wasn't faulty.

As you cleaned your gear again, Sasha and Connie wished you a goodnight since they were already done with their gear. You were too nervous to sleep, so you made your way to the stables quietly. You checked up on all your equipment for your horse, sneaking him an apple left over from dinner. He was a big horse and quite stubborn. He had a cute name, though- Pokey. He liked to poke around in other soldiers' bags, trying to find food. You laughed a bit at the thought of your horse poking around in Captain Levi's hood the other day. While you feed your horse, you hear a familiar voice chuckle behind you.

Jean has one foot propped up on the stall door, his hands crossed as he watches your movements. "You didn't save me an apple?" You smirk a bit, shaking your head as you beckon Jean closer so he can pet Pokey.

"I can't feed two horses." You laugh aloud as he scowls at you, not bothering to try to be quiet even if it's past curfew. A silence passes over the two of you as you continue to feed your horse. You can feel Jean's eyes on you, but you choose to ignore it. Pokey finally finishes his apple, and you glance over at Jean who is still staring at you. "What is it, Jean? Scared of the expedition tomorrow?" 

His eyes narrow, his fists clenching at his sides. "Of fucking course I am afraid. I don't want to lose any friends again. I know I will, though, and I can't do a fucking thing about it." 

You felt the same as him. As soldiers, it was a given that you would lose comrades along the way. However, you knew that you shouldn't blame yourself or others. It was just a given thing in war. Sacrifices made at your comrades' or your expense would be worth it in the end. 

You told this to Jean, and his ears turned a shade of red from anger. "So we just sit there and do nothing? We let them die? All for the sake of what? Knowledge? Bullshit."

You reach out and grab Jean's hands, holding them down with strength that even Jean couldn't fight.

"Damn you." You say lowly, tightening your grip on him. "You think our comrades dying for something is not worth it? You're spitting on their graves with the bullshit you're spewing!"

Your (e/c) darkened with anger, and you let Jean go as you step back. "Hanna. Daz. Samuel. Gordon. Ruth. Tom. Hannah Diamant. Franz. Nac. Mina. Mylius. Thomas. _Marco_. Do those sacrifices mean nothing to you?" You shove Jean back violently, your cheeks burning from anger but wet with tears. "Why did you join the Survey Corps then if you don't believe in it, huh?"

  
Jean stands to his full height and shoves you back to the wall, hard. You push back against him, not going down without a fight. He holds you firmly, however. You have no choice but to look into his eyes. The strength of his grip dissipates, and he holds you in a sort of tender way. 

"I've always been a selfish bastard. Eren pointed that out for three years. I've always wanted the easy life in the Military Police. Hell, don't we deserve an easy life after all we've been through?" He pauses, searching the depths of your eyes.

“Until Marco, I...I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to have my own house to live comfortable. But I can't in this world. Not yet." You relax in his hands, understanding what he was saying. He continues as he says,"I'm afraid of dying by a Titan, yes. But my worst fear is watching my comrades die while I can't do anything about it. I can't go through that again." Softly, you place your hand on his cheek.

"Jean," you say calmly. He stares down at you, not taking his eyes off you as your hands move to his shoulders.

"I'm sorry," you mumble as your cheeks heat in shame. You feel his hand slide under your chin, tilting it forward to look at him again.

“Let's make a promise. Okay?"

  
Jean chuckles lowly, shaking his head. “Promising to live to see each other again is pointless. You don't know-" 

"Just let me have that to hold onto!" You interrupt him fiercely, your (e/c) eyes blazing with emotion. You lower your voice to a whisper as you say,"Please." He nods once, saying nothing further as his hands go to your hair. He kisses your forehead once, his lips lingering for a bit before he pulls away. "Get some sleep. We'll need it." You nod, reaching to pet your horse before you gather your things. He waits for you, and you walk to your room together in silence.

  
You turn back to him as you quickly embrace him, much to his surprise. He hesitates just a moment before he puts his arms around you tightly. "Be careful, whatever side they place you on," you whisper, your hands holding on tightly to him. 

  
Jean's golden eyes glance down to the worried pools of your eyes, and his grip seems to tighten even more as he breathes in deeply. A few moments passed, and an opportunity that you wished would happen was lost in the midst of "what if's." Jean let go, placing a soft kiss to your forehead as he departed without another word. 

**€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~€~**  
  
  
What seemed like a victory felt more like defeat. 

  
There was no discovery of who the Female Titan was. However, the discovery of who she was was later revealed within the walls of Sina after Eren tried to capture her. The Survey Corps took hold of her crystallized form, and for a brief moment, you felt as if there could have been a bit of reprieve from the sorrow you felt since the battle of Trost. 

  
The moment did not last. 

  
Suspicion rose of Reiner and Bertolt since they were the ones who spent most time with Annie apart from you and Sasha, but more suspicion was given to them. Moments with you and Jean were few and far between as he became a part of the Levi squad and you became a part of the Hange squad. You would interact at times, but Hange normally kept you close to her and Moblit. You noticed Jean would try to approach you, but the reveal of the Armored and Colossal Titans, who were in fact Reiner and Bertolt, stepped in your way once again. With the capture of Eren and Ymir by them, you were again spurred into action to save them. 

  
If it had not been for Eren's newfound Coordinate ability, both you and Jean would have perished. When Armin carried Jean's unconscious body over to you as you were retreating, your knees grew weak as you had thought he was dead. You helped Armin lug Jean's body onto a wagon where you spent the rest of the time laying beside him exhausted. 

  
Your moment of respite came in the aftermath. Once you made it back safe in the walls, there were only a few days you could breathe before another crisis happened. It seemed to be one thing after another, and before you knew it, the time to head back to Shiganshina to reclaim it arrived. Only you would not be joining them. Newly appointed to the First Interior Squad to help rebuild the government and protect Queen Historia, you were in for a whirlwind of emotions in the fact you would not get to participate in the final battle with your comrades. However, fate would override her judgment as Queen Reiss herself dictated that you would, in fact, go. "The leaders of the Interior Squad cannot argue with a decree made from the Queen herself, can they?" She chuckled as she stood up from her chair, setting her pen down. Her hands went to clasp your own, both of your eyes filling with tears of worry for the Survey Corps. 

"I will have someone else in your place for the next few days until you return successful. I expect a full report on how you reclaimed our lost homeland." She said softly, reaching to embrace you. "They are due to leave tonight at dusk; you can make it if you hurry." You nodded, taking off in no time to head for a final battle with the Survey Corps.

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a 3-part work that I have imported from Wattpad. I will update as quickly as I can. Please don’t hesitate to comment! I really like feedback since it keeps me going and writing during the pandemic. This is also gifted to @Nanadee since I haven’t seen her update and I love her so much. (Btw, Nans, if you see this, please come back! We miss you!)-Boogie


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